Two Surefire Ways To Ensure Your Happiness
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Although women continue to conduct the anti-happiness train, both genders are represented equally onboard. Not so surprisingly, educated single men are taking up a disproportionate amount of aisle space, annoying the rest of the passengers with our toxic pretentiousness and patchouli scented sigma brands.
Today, I’ve decided to share a couple ways we all can be a part of the march to contentment, merriment, and joy. Without further ado, here are two surefire ways to ensure your happiness.
1. Be nice.
No, seriously. you’re not hearing me.
Be. nice.
As i’ve mentioned before, i relish the opportunity to take public transportation. because my job requires me to drive around the county several times a month, i look forward to the mornings when i can roll out of bed, spray some escada sentiment, bite a waffle, drink a vitamin water™, and subtly flirt with the legions of unmarried cat ladies taking the eba to work.
Because i usually catch the bus at the same time, i’ll usually see the same couple of drivers, and we’ll usually share pleasantries about the weather, the steelers, or our shared frustration with asian college students and their puzzling lack of peripheral vision.¹
Anyway, while rushing out the door a few mornings ago, i forgot to grab a couple loose bills for the bus. I didnt realize this until boarding, though, but the man behind the wheel said it was aiight.
“Naw, dog. don’t worry about it. we cool”
Now, there are myriad possible reasons for his benevolence. Maybe he was just having a good morning, due to some good gotdamn. Maybe he was high. Maybe he was so transfixed by the paula patton doppleganger boarding ahead of me that he was too distracted to even care. Who knows?
All i do know is that i can’t rule out the possibility that the superficial morning relationship i have with him made him more likely to excuse my forgetfulness.
Point being: being genuinely nice without an ulterior motive makes life easier for you, and an easier life has a funny way of cultivating happiness.
2. Let it go
This goes for all inane grudges, conspiracy theories, grievances, resentments, animosities, animuses, hatreds, loathings, farts, replusions, and any other irrelevant stressors you can name. nobody cares about you and your bullsh*t. I repeat, nobody cares about you and your bullsh*t. nobody. Not a soul. Thespace between “the” and “space” represents the amount of people who care about your bullsh*t.
If “not caring about your bullsh*t” were “strangely trying your hardest to convince the entire world that you’re homosexual, even though you’re not“, the “rest of the world” would be kanye f*cking west.
If you don’t believe me, ask 20 random people tomorrow if they care about you and your bullsh*t, and let me know if you receive any answers that aren’t variants of “what? who? hell no. just shut up and make my fries”.
Because nobody cares about you and your bullsh*t, what sense does it make to allow you and your bullsh*t to ruin your infinitesimal time on earth? 100 years from now, when you’re the dust underneath the president solange statue outside the white house, what difference will it have made that your boss steals your sharpened pencils from your desk before staff meetings?²
I know i’m not the only happy motherf***er here. Falks, help the rest of us get off the train: what else would you suggest?
¹can someone tell me why they never look before crossing the street? does this even occur in other cities, or is the burgh just the place were asian students with death wishes matriculate?
²this used to happen to me, and, to be honest, i still haven’t gotten over it.